Top tips

Here are some of our general Top Tips for talking to your child about sex and relationships:

 

You can't know it all:

If you don't know the answer, be honest and say so; you can agree to find out or use opportunities to find out together.  You may need to seek the help of resources from the internet, family and friends or get in touch with the TAZ Outreach Team.

 

Get the timing right:

Can your child talk to you about anything?  If yes, how do they know that?  Let your child know that you are available to them or who you would want them to talk to.  If you have any rules about appropriate language or ideas about where and when certain conversations should take place you need to let your children know or it could make for some awkward moments.

 

Don't take it personally:

This can be hard – we all love our children and (especially with teens) can sometimes fall into the trap of giving unwanted advice, telling them what to do or letting our concerns override their issues.

It's important to listen carefully to what our child is asking, avoid making assumptions and make sure we answer their question, not our own.

 

Agree to disagree:

You may have to consider that your child/ren may not have the same values as you though such differences are an inevitable part of growing up.  As a parent you can still influence and encourage your child to understand right/wrong and help them identify acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in friendships and relationships.

Think carefully before sharing personal details about your own experiences of sex (young people don't want to know!!).   It is useful though for parents to talk about dating / coping with rejection /periods and thoughts on when to have babies.

 

Use everyday life:

There are loads of opportunities to use TV, magazines and approved internet sites with your child/ren.  The soaps and some documentaries cover topical issues and watching these with your child can also raise other opportunities to discuss attitudes and your family's' values.

 

It's for your son and daughter too:

Sons need information and guidance just as much as our daughters.  Girls will generally get information from school about periods and the stressed conversation from parents about not getting pregnant but there's a risk that some boys will get no information at all despite dealing with major changes themselves.

 

Check it out:

Check-in with your child/ren to see if you have answered their question sufficiently and if they have understood.  This gives them the opportunity to ask for further information too.

 

Finally, if you're struggling or worried about your child, get in touch; schools and other agencies such as TAZ can be a good source of support when it comes to talking to your child about relationships, sex and growing up or dealing with any cause for concern.

 

Here are also some tips on how to respond to any worries or queries your child might have:

• Reassure them and let them know that telling you is the right thing to do.
• Listen to them; show interest, eye contact, nod, smile, and think about your body posture (are they aware that you are listening).
• Encourage them and respond with comments such as 'yes', 'I see', and 'I understand'.
• Reflect and paraphrase what they have told you; for example: 'It sounds like you're saying…' 'What I'm hearing is…' 'Am I right in thinking…?'
• Ask questions; if you need more information…ask
• Keep listening and don't worry too much about your response, you just have to be there for them.
• Try to use the correct words for body parts. Don't tell them off if they use slang words but repeat the correct word back to them.
• Try to avoid sitting down for 'The Talk'. This can be intimating for some young people and they don't fully take everything in at once. It may be better to split the discussions into smaller casual conversations. Give them time to process information; let them know they can always ask questions later.
• Never ignore questions. If they've had the courage to ask the question, make sure you give an answer- even if it's to say you don't know the answer.
• Don't compare. People's experience of puberty can be very different; one might develop severe acne and mood swings while another sail through their teenage years with clear skin and not a mood swing in sight.
• Don't assume your child's sexuality.

"I'm worried that talking to my child will encourage them to be sexually active sooner"

All too often young people learn about relationships and sexual health from their friends.  They don't always get accurate information and can sometimes feel peer pressure to fit in.

 

As a parent keeping the communication open with your child and being someone they can come to for information and support is more likely to delay them rushing into a relationship and will help them to understand your expectations of them.

 

"What's a paedo?  Where do babies come from? Is that a man or a woman?  Why ……?"

Our children's curiosity is endless as they try to make sense of the world and themselves.  Children see and hear lots of information on the playground and through the T.V and internet that they may feel confused about.  Bear in mind that the age of your child might influence how much detail they need and often a simple and straightforward answer is the best.

 

"Kids know too much these days"

There are some things it is useful to discuss with your child to prepare them for the changes as they grow, responsibilities that increase with age and how to stay safe at school, outside and online.  You know your child best and this will help you judge what your child needs to know.

 

The ups and downs of family life is experienced by children many of whom live through the divorce of their parents, bereavements, and new arrivals.

 

If they are asking a question, it means that it is an issue for them and they see you as a trusted source of information.